The Incident of Nami's Skirt
by S. Sakurai
Summary: Nami suffers a case of gluteousmaximitis, and chaos descends in this silly, silly story.


I know, I haven't written anything on "Wasuremono" for the longest time! Sorry, everyone who's waiting!

I have the whole story plotted out, so it's just a matter of getting to it. In the meantime, enjoy this ridiculous bit of fluff.

WHEN YOU ASSUME, YOU MAKE YOUR ASS INTO A PLUM... (a terrible pun...)

"Okay, who did the laundry this week?" Nami bellowed, slamming open the door and striding out onto the deck angrily, shaking a handful of black fabric.

"It wasn't me, Nami-suwaaan." Sanji said placatingly, sidling up to her smoothly with a platter of freshly frosted pastries. "Would you care for a cinnamon roll?"

The red-headed navigator pulled off a hunk of warm, sticky dough and chewed on it fiercely. "Then who was it?"

"Usopp, I think. Why, did he do something?"

"Eh, e id soming." Nami mumbled. She swallowed the mouthful. "He ruined my new skirt! Where is that long-nosed jerk?"

"Fishing off the starboard side, the last I saw him. Say, would you like a fruit cup? I prepared it especially for you."

"Well - thank you, that's very considerate, Sanji." Nami said, slightly mollified. Still, by the time she'd finished her fruit cup, and tracked down the ship's odd-job man, her anger had risen again.

"USOPP!" she yelled behind him, almost causing the sharpshooter to drop his pole into the ocean. "Were you in charge of the laundry this week?"

"Um... y-yes." Usopp mumbled, legs shaking.

"You completely ruined this skirt I just bought!" She thrust the silky black fabric under his nose. "Look at this!"

"It... it looks fine." Usopp said, puzzled. "I don't see "

"You shrank it!" Nami snapped. "I can't even fit in it now!"

"Are - are you sure?" Usopp asked, voice quavering. "Because I did them all at once, and nobody else complained of shrinking"

"I was able to put this skirt on when I bought it. Now it's too small for me. What possible explanation could there be, other than that YOU shrank it?"

"Nami-suwaaan!" Sanji said, appearing behind her. "I know you're upset, so I made something special to help settle your nerves!" He held up a plate. "Double-fudge pudding cake in heavy cream, with sprinkles."

"Oh, it looks lovely! Thank you Sanji!" Nami took the plate off his hands and dug in with the silver spoon provided as the cook pranced away in delight. "As for you, I'm still waiting for an explanation."

"Er..." Usopp said cautiously, watching Nami shovel dripping hunks of chocolate into her mouth. If he said what he was thinking, he might end up in the ocean. "... sorry for shrinking your skirt. Say, how long is it since you had a thorough physical from Chopper?"

"A few months, why?"

"Maybe you should have another one. Just to be safe."

XXXXXXX

One physical later, Nami had fled into the girl's room, burying her furious blush in the bed covers.

"It's... not so bad." Robin tried to console her, unfamiliar with how to handle such a situation.

"It's just so embarrassing." Nami moaned. "After I made that big scene with Usopp." She rolled over and put a hand on her stomach. "I can't believe I didn't notice how much weight I've been putting on recently."

"Don't blame yourself for it. Cook-san's been giving you enough food for a small army."

"I know, and it's so good, and he's so happy when I take it." Nami said. "He's the same way with you! How on earth do you stay so skinny?"

"I did start gaining weight when I came aboard." Robin answered. "So, after a while, I just started telling him 'I think Navigator-san would like that, why not go find her?' And he'd do that."

"Oh, thanks a lot!" Nami said bitterly. "It's like you were involved a conspiracy to fatten me up! And the worst thing is, it worked without me even realizing it!" She pushed herself to a sitting position and winced at the sight of her newly sprouted love handles squishing up. "How did I let myself gain almost ten kilos without realizing it?"

"You've been buried in those maps since we left the last island." Robin pointed out. "Cook-san brought you quite a few snacks, and you didn't get much exercise."

"I've been trying to catch up on my cartography." the navigator explained. "I've set a goal for myself of completing a chapter for my atlas once a month. But we've been finding islands faster than I can put them down! Skypeia alone has put me way behind schedule! I missed my deadline last month, and it looks like I'll be late this month as well."

"You're almost out of your teens." Robin reminded her. "Your metabolism's probably going to change one of these days, and if you spend a lot of time at a desk, you're probably not going to be as thin as you are now."

"I know." Nami sighed. "I guess I don't really mind the thought of being a little pudgy. But if I keep letting Sanji stuff me with sweets, I'll be the size of a blimp in a few months!"

"Maybe you should get more exercise?"

"That, and Chopper gave me a special mix for healthful bread buns. I can snack on those instead, and they'll fill me up without a lot of extra calories. I've got them going in the kitchen right now."

"Cook-san?"

"No, I'm... I'm keeping it a secret from him, for now." A hint of red crept back into her cheeks. "I still feel pretty embarrassed about what happened with Usopp today. I'm just not ready to admit to them that I'm on a diet."

She reach for a baggy turtleneck sweater. "I'll wear looser clothing, and maybe some of the more clueless ones -and honestly, that's pretty much all of them just won't notice what's happened to me. Until then... keep it between us, and Chopper of course, okay, Robin? Big Sister Robin-Oneesan?"

"All right."

"Good. I just hate the thought of them all gossiping about me."

XXXXXXX

"What's up with Nami lately?" Usopp asked, busying himself with letting out Nami's now over-tight skirt. "She's been gaining weight like crazy, but she acts like it's not happening."

"She's been craving my cooking recently, too." Sanji said. "Every time I offer her something, she eats it right up. It's no wonder she's getting a little plump." His eyebrow curled up. "There's nothing wrong with that, though! It's just more Nami-suwaan to love!"

"None of our business." Zoro said, bored. "If you feed like like a foie gras goose, no wonder she's getting fat. There's no mystery about it."

"Hey, what're you guys talking about?" Luffy asked curiously, appearing in the doorway of the boys' room and plunking down on the floor, legs crossed.

"Just about Nami-suwaan and how lovely and voluptuous she's growing!" Sanji cooed.

"And I was just saying that Nami's biology is none of our business, nor is it at all interesting." Zoro growled.

"Y'know, I just heard Nami and Robin talking about that as I was walking by the door." Luffy mused.

"What did they say?" Zoro inquired instantly, perking up one ear, though his eyes remained closed.

"Eh, I didn't hear every word." the rubber boy said. "Just little bits of stuff. Nami's gaining weight, and her stomach's getting bigger, and she had a checkup with Chopper, and she said she's been late for two months and now she has some buns in the oven."

There was a long silent pause. As Usopp let his sewing fall from his hands, it was quite literally possible to hear a pin drop.

"You cad!" Sanji growled, standing up and facing Zoro with purple storm clouds boiling over his face. "So that's why you didn't want us to hear about Nami's personal business! You've gone and gotten her pregnant!"

"That's ridiculous." Zoro shot back. "How dare you try to evade your own responsibilities by blaming me?"

"I could ask you the same thing. I KNOW I can't be the father - so it HAS to be you!"

"And I know it's not me, so it has to be you, you lousy eyebrow!"

"HEY! HEY!" Usopp waved his hand to get attention. "What about Luffy and I? What makes you so sure one of us didn't get Nami knocked up?"

Zoro and Sanji looked at the sharpshooter for a long moment, then turned back to each other. "As I was saying, it must be one of us, and I know it wasn't me!" Zoro roared. "Stop trying to cover up your own perverted deeds!"

"How cold..." Usopp said, slithering to the deck in despair.

"What are they talking about?" Luffy wondered aloud, scratching his head in confusion.

XXXXXX

Nami stepped out of the her room later that evening, dressed in her loosest sweater and a pair of black slacks that wasn't TOO tight to get into. With her pudginess thus concealed, she steeled herself to go see the others, hoping they wouldn't give her too hard a time about what had happened. At least Sanji would stick up for her, she was sure.

She opened the door to the boys' room just a crack and peeked inside.

"You're not getting out of this headlock until you admit you're lying, dartboard-brow!"

"Well, you can just eat bread and water, because I'm not cooking anything for you until YOU admit YOU'RE lying!"

"Don't just assume it's not me, although it isn't, but it could have been! It's not like I'm inexperienced, you know! Why, once I was shipwrecked on an island inhabited only by gorgeous amazons, and the amazon queen brought me to her hut and - "

"Would somebody explain what you're all talking about! Oh, never mind, just let Sanji go so he can make dinner."

Nami shut the door silently and breathed a sigh of relief. "I've been worrying for nothing." she told herself. "All this time I was so afraid they'd be gossiping about me, and they haven't even noticed after all."

END.

Thanks for reading my silly, silly story.

As my thesis, I took the plot "chubby girls are so cute! I'm going to make Nami be chubby!"

It's a meaningless story told for no other reason. Let's enjoy.


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